The Elderly Tailor:
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches".
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need is a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6
Second opinion PRICELESS

En tilfældig morgen på motorvejen:
På motorvejen her til morgen, på vej til arbejde, så jeg over højre skulder, at der var en kvinde i en splinterny BMW, der kørte 130 km/t med snotten HELT oppe i bakspejlet - i gang med at lægge sin eyeliner!
Jeg kiggede væk i ganske få nanosekunder og så til min store forskrækkelse i bakspejlet, at hun nu var halvvejs ovre i min kørebane - STADIG optaget af hendes SKIDE makeup! Jeg blev så forskrækket, at jeg tabte min elektriske shaver, så den slog et rundstykke ud af den anden hånd.
I forvirringen, mens jeg forsøgte at rette bilen op med mit knæ på rattet, røg mit headset væk fra øret og faldt ned i den kaffekop jeg havde mellem benene, sprøjtede med kaffe og brændte "STORE CLAUS OG TVILLINGERNE". Det gjorde så PISSE ondt, at jeg skreg af mine lungers fulde kraft, hvorfor jeg så tabte cigaretten ud af kæften, brændte hul i min skjorte og AFBRØD EN VIGTIG SAMTALE.
Sådan en forpulet farlig, skide kvindelig billist .....

Tissemanden:
Teenagedatteren: "Mor hvor mange tissemænd findes der?"
Moderen der er lidt overrasket svarer: "Tissemanden går gennem 3 faser:
Når han er i tyverne, er den som et egetræ - stor og hård.
I trediverne og fyrrerne er den som et birketræ - bøjelig men til at stole på.
Når han er på den anden side af halvtreds, er den som et juletræ."
Teenage-datteren: "Et juletræ??"
Moderen: "Ja, helt udtørret og kuglerne er kun til pynt."

En Gallup
Der kommer en mand fra Gallup, som skal lave en undersøgelse, omkring folks brug af vaseline.
Fruen i huset åbner døren: "Bruger De vaseline her i huset?"
"Ja, når vi har sex"
"Man må sige, at de er åben omkring Deres sexliv. Kan man også få at vide, hvor de bruger det?"
"Det kan De godt !! Vi bruger det til, at smøre på håndtaget til soveværelset, så børnene ikke kan komme ind "

Man trouble
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far offhe asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror?
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being six again"??
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.   Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered with thousands of $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.  He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire but I'll never understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man.

Chinese marriage:

Gud sagde til æslet: Du skal kaldes et æsel. Du skal knokle dagen lang og blive kaldt dum som tak. Du skal blive 20 år gammel. Æslet svarer: Argh, det lyder ikke som et godt liv. Kan vi ikke sige, at jeg skal blive 5 år?....Gud accepterede.

Så skabte Gud hunden. Gud sagde: Du skal kaldes en hund, leve som et underkastet dyr, leve af rester ved middagsbordet og passe på huset. Du bliver 35 år gammel. Hunden svarer: Kan vi ikke sige, at jeg skal blive 15 år?....Gud accepterer.

Så skabte Gud papegøjen. Gud sagde: Du skal kaldes papegøje. Du skal sidde i et hjørne af stuen og gentage alt hvad folk siger, til stor irritation for alle. Du skal blive 75 år. Papegøjen: Kan vi ikke nøjes med, at jeg bliver 50 år?... Gud accepterer.

Så skabte Gud manden... Gud sagde: Du skal være et menneske, manden, du skal leve det gode liv. Du skal være klog og intelligent, og du styrer og bestemmer over denne verden.Du skal leve i 20 år. Manden: Det lyder som et rigtig godt liv, men kan det ikke vare lidt længere? (det er så her manden bruger sin intelligens for første gang) Manden: Kan jeg ikke få de 15 år æslet ikke ville have, de 20 som hunden afslog og de 25 år papegøjen ikke havde lyst til?....Gud accepterede... Derfor lever manden et dejligt liv indtil han bliver 20 år. Så bliver han gift. De næste 15 år knokler han dagen lang og bliver kaldt dum som tak. Så får han børn, lever af rester fra bordet og passer på huset de næste 20 år.De sidste 25 år sidder han i hjørnet af stuen og gentager alt hvad folk siger, til stor irritation for alle....

Exercise is healthy:
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lammas class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Home By Midnight:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...."I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

THE GAME:
The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. However, if you are offended because of your favorite sport, please tell someone else.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people, who don't even play, go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following may shed some light:
1. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
2. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
3. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
4. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
5. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
6. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
7. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
8. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
9. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
10. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more, unless you buy it from scalpers, in which case it's $1,000+.
11. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world, and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
12. In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time (like the best baseball hitters batting average does) and make $9 million a season.
13. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
14. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
15. Golf doesn't have free agency.
16. In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime, Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
17. You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
18. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name-calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
19. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
20. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
21. And Finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy:

Why do golf courses have 18 holes -- not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

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Er der så nogen der er i tvivl om at vi skal til Scorland på den næste jubilæumstur ??? :-)