A Royal Wedding

On the day of the wedding, Mary was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary's feet were in agony.
When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say:
'God,that was tight !'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say: 'Right. Now for the other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said: 'My God. That was even tighter!'
'That's my boy,' said Henrik. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

Question Time

Dick Cheney goes to a school to talk about the war with some fifth graders.
After his talk he invites questions.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Vice President asks him his name.
"Billy!"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions," says the boy.
"First - why did we invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why is George Bush the president when Al Gore got more votes?;
and Third - where are the weapons of mass destruction?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Cheney informs the children that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, the Vice President says: "Okay, where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, Dick points him out and asks his name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why did we invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why is George Bush the president when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - where are the weapons of mass destruction?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?;
and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

A lawyer married a woman

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
.......
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

****

Another Blond Joke

A Qantas plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits in a vacant seat. The flight attendant notices her do this, asks to see the woman's ticket and then tells the attractive passenger that as she only paid for economy she will have to sit in the back.
Calmly the blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the captain and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who belongs in economy and who won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot smiles smugly, goes back to the blonde and explains that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to the seat allocated
Looking him in the eye, the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the captain that he had failed to move the blonde and that they probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the unreasonable woman.
The pilot, reluctant to take this step, says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the woman and whispers in her ear. Immediately she stands up and says: "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know that" and quickly moves back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked the captain what he said to make the blonde woman move.

The captain repied replied: "I merely told her first class isn't going to Melbourne."

*****

The Hitman..

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "you're welcome."
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..

*****

Skiferien :)

Disse øvelser er beregnet til dem, der ikke kommer på skiferie:

Ved hjælp af disse øvelser, er det ligesom at være på rigtig skiferie. Og så er det GRATIS.

1. øvelse: "Vi kører i bus."
Sæt dig på en stol i 20 timer. Se en gammel vidofilm et par gange og gå hver fjerde time ud og drik en kop halvlunken kaffe ved et nusset bord. Det forhøjer effekten, hvis der lugter af dieselolie.

2. øvelse: "Vi vænner os til slalomstøvlerne."
Det her er lidt sværere, men effekten er ikke til at tage fejl af!
Du skal bruge 2 stk. spånplader 10*20 cm. og to stykker 10*10 cm. Stil dig med en fod på hver af de to store stykker, læg de to små stykker ovenpå fødderne og spænd det hele stramt fast med et par skruetvinger. Luk øjnene og det er som at være der selv!

3. øvelse: "Vi spiser morgenmad."
Køb et rundstykke fra dagen i forvejen og skær det over med en almindelig bordkniv. Smør dåseleverpostej på det ene. På det andet lægger du en skive indtørret ost.

4. øvelse: "Vi tager afsted til pisten."
Tag to let-høvlede brædder (lidt under 2 meter lange) og to kosteskafter over skulderen, og tag så en tur med bybussen i myldretiden.

5. øvelse: "Vi er på vej downhill."
Tag din skijakke på og sæt et stykke stift pap eller plastik fast i lynlåsen. Sæt dig foran en kraftig ventilator i et par timer, mens pappet eller plastikken slår dig i ansigtet. Du skal huske at pudse næsen en gang imellem eller puste lidt snot ud mellem to fingre.

6. øvelse: "Vi falder på vej ned af pisten."
Knus nogle isterninger (du bør bruge mindst 200). Smid dig hurtigt ned på gulvet og smid det knuste is i ansigtet, ned af nakken, maven og op i ærmerne.

7. øvelse: "Vi spiser frokost".
Krøl en jakke sammen og læg den på en stol. Sæt dig på jakken. På et lille bord foran dig lægger du et maskinstrikket halstørklæde, et stor hue, et par skibriller (solbriller kan gøre det) og et par våde handsker. Prøv så at få plads til din mad. Virkningen af denne øvelse bliver større, hvis du får een til at åbne yderdøren hvert andet minut, lade døren stå åben, hvorefter du selv rejser dig og går over for at lukke den.

8. øvelse: "Vi venter i kø."
Hver gang du ser en kø, så stil dig op i den og træd de andre over tæerne. Det forøger effekten, hvis der udvikler sig lidt skubberi.

9. øvelse: "Vi tager med liften."
Ifør dig et par handsker. Sæt dig på en gyngestol (eller gyngehest) oppe på taget. Mens du gynger ude på kanten tager du handskerne af og smider den ene ned på jorden. Sig "Shit".

10. øvelse: "Vi bestiller en kop kaffe."
En forbløffende realistisk øvelse i at bestille en kop kaffe. Her kan selv begyndere være med. Gå ind på et cafeteria og bed om at betale tre-dobbelt pris for en kop kaffe.

11. øvelse: "Vi er til afterskiing."
Saml et par venner, de behøver ikke være for kloge, bare de kan drikke øl og en masse andet. Du kan også samle nogle, du ikke kender, bare husk: De skal kunne drikke øl og en masse andet. Sæt høj musik på en gammel båndoptager, sæt jer ved et bord i et trangt hjørne. Prøv så hvem af jer, der kan prale mest og ellers iøvrigt tale i munden på hinanden. Det forhøjer effekten, hvis l ikke kan høre, hvad der bliver sagt, og endnu mere realistisk bliver det, hvis du sørger for, at der mangler en stol, eller to.

12. øvelse: "Vi tager et bad."
Tag en hel masse tøj på. Sørg for det bliver lidt klamt og tag det så af. Hvis du kan klæde dig af på under 1 minut, tager du et varmt bad, hvis du er for længe om at klæde dig af, så tager du et koldt bad.

13. øvelse: "Vi spiser aftensmad."
Mens du laver aftensmad, siger du hele tiden: Kein Sauerkraut. Hvorefter du spiser en portion sauerkraut med speckknødel.

14. øvelse: "Vi møder naboen på gangen."
Bed din samlever(ske) om hver morgen at skælde dig ud for at have larmet til langt ud på natten, trampet i gulvet og smidt flasker ud af vinduet.

15. øvelse: "Vi tager hjem igen."
Til sidst turens clou: Pak en masse snavset tøj og fire/fem flasker sprut i en kuffert. Ifør dig en joggingdragt med hængerøv, tag kufferten, de to uhøvlede brædder og kosteskafterne - og slæb det hele 2 km. væk, mens du leder efter en bus eller en rejseleder.

****

"Orak-let diagnose-komputeren"

En dag i cafeteriakøen på fabrikken siger Jack til sin ven Knud: "Jeg har pokkers ondt i min albue - jeg tror, jeg er nødt til at søge læge!".
"Hør lige her", siger Knud ,".. det behøver du da ikke at ha' så meget bøvl med.
Der er en diagnosecomputer nede på apoteket. Den skal man bare give en urinprøve, så fortæller den nøjagtigt hvad der er galt, og hvad man skal gøre ved det. Det tager 10 sekunder og koster 15 kr. Det er da meget nemmere end at besøge lægen".

Jack tager så en urinprøve med ned på apoteket. Han putter 15 kr i computeren, og den lyser op og be'r om en urinprøve. Jack hælder urinprøven i maskinen, og 10 sek. efter kommer der en seddel ud, hvor der står: "Du har en tennisalbue! Hold albuen i varmt vand og undgå overbelastning af armen i 14 dage".

Den aften tænker Jack på, hvor fantastisk denne nye teknologi er. Han spekulerer lidt over, om man kan snyde diagnosecomputeren.
Han mixer noget postevand, lidt afføring fra hunden, urinprøver fra datteren og konen, og til sidst onanerer han ned i mixturen.

Jack besøger nu apoteket igen, spændt på at se resultatet. Han putter 15 kr i maskinen, hælder mixturen i og 10 sek. efter printer computeren en seddel ud hvor der står:

Dit postevand er for hårdt! Skaf en afkalker.
Din hund har ringorm! Vask den i en god antisvamp-shampoo.
Din datter har et alvorligt kokain-misbrugs problem! Få hende på et behandlingshjem.
Din kone venter tvillingpiger. De er ikke dine! Få fat i en advokat.
Hvis du ikke holder op med at lege med dig selv, så bliver din albue aldrig rask!

****
Og den findes også på engelsk ****

WALMART URINE TEST

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3 .Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow
will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart.

****
Svensk/Dansk/øresundsk:
Der findes en rigtig sjov bog: Politikens Øresundsordbog (Undgå fælder med ord der lyder og staves ens på dansk og svensk, men betyder noget
forskelligt). Her kan I læse hvor "sjovt" det kan blive:
Afrette
To hundeejere, en dansk og en svensk, mødte hinanden i Dragør og lod hundene løbe frit omkring. Svenskerens hund udmærkede sig ved at gø ad cyklister, løbe efter motionsløbere og snerre ad andre hunde.
- "Du er da nødt til afrette din hund!", mente danskeren.
- "Jamen, vad säger du?", gispede svenskeren chokeret. Han holdt meget af sin hund. Avrätta = henrette
Kasse
-"Vill du ha en kasse?", spurgte den svenske kassedame den danske kunde, der var ved at betale for sine to liter mælk og en tube tandpasta. - "Nej tak", sagde kunden, "en kasse er måske i overkanten, men hvis du har en pose..." Kasse = indkøbsnet, bærepose
Knäppa og fotogen
En dansk fotograf på ferie i den svenske skærgård fik øje på en smuk, blond pige. Fotografen greb efter sit kamera, men inden han nåede at spørge om hun havde noget imod at lade sig fotografere, spurgte pigen kækt:
- "Vill du knäppa mig?"
Lettere forfjamset over denne friske frimodighed svarede fotografen: - "Mjaeh, jeg synes i hvert fald du er meget fotogen."
Dette gjorde imidlertid forvirringen total da svensk fotogen betyder petroleum - og knäppa i forbindelse med fotografering betyder noget langt mere uskyldigt en den danske fotograf først antog (=skyde, knipse)
Kuk
I 1998 kunne man på forsiden af en af de store formiddagsaviser læse overskriften "Kuk i Folketinget". Flere tusinde svenskere så sikkert også den pågældende rubrik den dag, og de mindre danskkyndige blandt disse så utvivlsomt et billede for sig med en yderliggående demonstrant på tingets talerstol, svingende med "dyret" for at vise sin foragt for den siddende regerings politik. Kuk betyder nemlig slet og ret pik. Derfor finder svenskere det også meget fornøjeligt at den danske gøg siger kuk-kuk.
Kunstig
En dansker fortalte en svensker om den faste Øresundsforbindelse: "Her fra Amager går en tunnel ud til den kunstige ø, Peberholm, hvor broen begynder". "Varför är det en konstig ö?" undrer svenskeren, indtil han finder ud af hvad kunstig betyder (konstig = mærkelig, sær)
Kurv
Et par fra Svendborg besøgte for første gang Malmö. De var på jagt efter nogle souvenirs, og da de fik øje på skiltet "Korv och glass", mindede det dem om forretningen i hjembyen der hed "Kurv og glas". Stor var derfor svendborgensernes forbavselse da de inde i forretningen fandt ud af at korv och glass betyder pølse og is.
Mås
4-årige Jens lærte af sin svenske mormor at en måge på svensk hedder mås. Lille Jens var lidt mistroisk over for dette sproglige fænomen og spurgte derfor sin svenske morbror Gustav, næste gang denne kom til Danmark: "Er det rigtigt at man i Sverige kalder en måge for røv?"
Sex
"Pastorsex torsdagar kl. 14-16" stod der på et skilt uden for en svensk kirke. "Beskæftiger svenske pastorer sig virkelig med den slags?", undrede nogle danske turister hovedrystende. De fik dog oplyst at pastorsex blot er en forkortelse for pastorsexpedition, altså pastorens kontor.
Taske
En dansker og en svensker stod i Malmö og betragtede Øresundsbroen.- "Vet du hur lång den är?" spurgte svenskeren.
- "Næh, svarede danskeren, men hvis jeg skal give dig et slag på tasken, så..."
- "NEJ", sagde svenskeren forskrækket og tog et skridt tilbage. task =(vulg.) nosser og/eller pik
Trivelig
En dansker kom hjem til sin kone efter et besøg hos deres svenske fælles ven, Åke.
- "Jeg skulle hilse min trivelige kone fra Åke", sagde manden. Konen blev selvsagt noget fortørnet. Trivelig? Godt nok havde hun lagt sig lidt ud, men alligevel! Først længe efter gik det op for hustruen at Åke nok havde sagt trevlig (=hyggelig, behagelig, morsom, nydelig), og at hendes mand bevidst havde lavet sprogforviklingen

*****

Yet another blond joke:
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container. ....... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

****

The Statue:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."