A Panamax leaves Rotterdam.
The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese.
It's the first time they are sailing together and it's obvious by the silence
that they don't get along.
After two days, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ...it doesn't matter, they're all alike."
Another two days of silence pass. Finally, the First Officer says, "No
like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg," says the captain.
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah ... all same."
Age 54 Schnap
A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came
home and found a note from her husband. It said: "My dear, you are 54 years
old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday
Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: "You are also
54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am
at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher)
should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU
wait up for ME."
Kirkeklokkerne...
En gammel mand var død, og barnebarnet tog hen for at trøste
den 95-årige mormor. Barnebarnet spurgte mormoren om hvordan morfaren
var død. Han døde af et hjertetilfælde, mens vi var ved
at elske søndag morgen. Barnebarnet mente at med 2 så gamle mennesker,
var det at bede om problemer.
Åh nej, min kære, sagde mormoren; for mange år siden, erkendte
vi at vi ikke længere var i topform, og besluttede at elske søndag
morgen i takt til kirkeklokkerne; langsomt og jævnt. Ikke noget vildt
og voldsomt, sagde hun mens hun tørrede en tåre væk, og hvis
den forbandede Hjem-is bil ikke var kommet forbi, havde han været i live
i dag...
Duck, Duck, Hooker
Once there was a farmer with three sons. One day he gave a duck to his eldest
son and told him to go and see how much money he could get for the duck at the
market. So off the eldest son went and came back later in the day, shouting
"Dad, Dad, I got ten dollars for the duck!" The farmer said, "Well
done, son."
So the next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and
he came back with twenty dollars. "Well done, son," said the farmer.
So the next day he sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could
get for the duck. On the way to the market, the youngest son met a prostitute.
"I'll give you a fuck if you give me that duck," said the prostitute.
They did, and then the prostitute said, "Oh, that was so good, I'll give
you the duck back if you fuck me again." So he did, and then he went on
to the market. Suddenly the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a
truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no! I'm so sorry!
That duck must have been your best friend, here, there's one hundred dollars
to pay for it."
And so then the youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey,
dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a hundred bucks for a fucked-up
duck!"
Joe's Nutsack
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly
hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started
to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist
to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles
to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of
a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but
to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.
" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and...
16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's
my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and
said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...
E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating,
Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe
laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook
his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your nuts up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
****
A Sad Story
A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the
hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch.
"Do you have any stories you can share with me?" The old guy says, "Of course
I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find
it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found
it, then we all screwed it."
"Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe
a happy story?" asked the reporter. "Sure do," said the man, "One time old Bubba's
cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few
beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it once we found it."
"Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?" -
- "Sure do. One time I got lost!"
****
Bus Signals
A guy was taking a new bus route for the first time. He sat down and watched
as a woman got on the bus. When the driver looked at her, she took her right
hand and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers at the driver.
The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on
his forehead and the thumb of his left hand on his right hand and he waved all
of his fingers at the woman. The woman then took her right arm, extended it,
and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right
arm and ran his left hand down his arm. The lady then proceeded to grab her
right breast. The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch. The lady turned
away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed
at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady. "What
did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked. The
driver replied, "Oh, the deaf woman? It's very simple. I told her that the fare
was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going downtown.
She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was going by the
ballpark. She replied, 'Oh, shit! I'm on the wrong bus!'"
****
Dirty Jokes and Beer
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks
in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks
her what's wrong. "My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."
"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was
too kinky," he replies. So they start talking, and find that they have a lot
in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he
decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself
to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her
leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots,
everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees
him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave. "Hey, where are you going?
I thought we were going to get kinky!" The man looks at her all confused and
says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you
want?"
****
Little Johnny's Mom's Vital Signs
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen
don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The
boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't
ask that," and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips
over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about
you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you
got an 'F' in sex!!!"
****
MacGregor's Achievements
A Scottish old timer is talking to a young man in a bar. "Lad, look out there
to the field. Do ye see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence
stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call
me MacGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..." blurts the old man. Then the old man
gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it
is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with
me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..." claims the old man. Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy,
look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can
see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." says the old man. Then
the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is paying attention.
"But ye screw one goat..."
****
Good Vibrations
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from
her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked
on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing!?!" she exclaimed. The daughter
replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest
I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming
from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a
sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing!?!" he exclaimed. The daughter replied,
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll
ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television,
with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked in
shock. He replied, "What's it look like? I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
****
Afternoon Delight
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only
way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around,
was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought
that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance
just drove by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company."
And then, "Matt's riding a new bike... and the Coopers are screwing."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
****
Survey
A survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The question asked was,
" would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of
the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following reasons:
1) In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.
2) In Western Europe, they did not know what'shortage' meant.
3 )In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.
4) In Arab world they did not know what 'please' meant.
5) And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant
****
Og min absolutte favorit pt.
Harleys vs Women
Arthur Davidson, the founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God. "
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman? "
God said, "Ah, yes, "
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design
flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer (which runs Windows Eternal), typed
in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true
that my invention is flawed, "
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
****