****
5 Times !:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde
joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the
guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond
with a black belt in karate. "What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2,"
weighs 225 lb and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your
right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler. Think about it
seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy goes: "Nah!
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
****
A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game:
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base
hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily
with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick
accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and
again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his
swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and
he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to
the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation
the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk
with pr-r-ride!!!!"
****
The happy chickenfarmer
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down
next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned
to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating,
too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he
asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting
his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched
cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
****
Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room:
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well,
I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into
a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in
the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake." "What did you
do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this
looks like yours!"
****
Bears:
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of smal bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized
ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this
to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow,
the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,"Well, how was it?" The bloke says, "You
can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
****
Heaven Golf:
God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie. God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in... hole in one! Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: “Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?”
****
10 Things in Golf That Sound Dirty:
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
****
****
POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB!!
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
****
On his tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station in Cork. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, completely unaware of who he was talking to... "Top o' the morning to you, etc, etc..." Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey, son?" says the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "What're dey for?" inquires the Cork man "They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger. "Jaysus", says the Cork man, "Dem fellas at Volvo tink of everyting!"
****
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid
sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue
cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You
know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're
a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the
genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid,
what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish
that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If a car salesman
offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached.
****
There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide
to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George,
"but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 AM, and find
George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all.
Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again
the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about
ten minutes late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but his time
George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave,
George says, "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so
wait for me."
Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait
a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but
you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's
the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning,
I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and
if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right- handed. "So what do you do
if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late,"
George answers.
****
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
****
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
****
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
****
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's Yours? "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."
****